Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
