So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
