What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
