I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
