He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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