saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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