You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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