i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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