oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
