Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You smell like stripper and shame
only if we run a train.
done.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
