i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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