we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
