Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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