When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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