i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
