you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
