I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
