All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
