My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
