you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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