just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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