I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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