this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
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