if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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