I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
