I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
