coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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