Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
this just has baby written all over it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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