I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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