It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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