The maid of honor just puked.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
