I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
