The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
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I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
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I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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