I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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