I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
