I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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