Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
