phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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