First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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