Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
