I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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