she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
