I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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