If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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