Joe is yelling at the trees again.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize