When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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