hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
