Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
