I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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