I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
