Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
