I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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