That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
