AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
