possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
